Withered

Everyone believes or believed I am/was wasting my time. I am not a man who wastes time, I am fairly good at many things and I just don't waste time in any endeavor I pursue. Never have, never will. So yeah, I was used and I knew this would happen so it didn't take much for me to accept it. It was all a matter of time before the sand settled on the ground and the real colors came into display.

This has happened to me before. I had fallen in love with this beautiful, exuberant flower. True, she was given to me in a horrible, tattered condition. But I was naïve, still am. I thought I could save it. She was so beautiful to me. I dedicated day and night to her. I talked to her, I watered her everyday, I tended to her. I became too involved. She began to grow before my eyes, improve her condition and at least have more willpower to fight.

One day, without notice, fuss or fanfare, she passed away. Her little leaves crumbled, her petals withered so that she was nothing more than a memory to me. I spent days looking at her, thinking a million ways of how I went wrong about her care. What I could've done to save her. How, if I would've tried harder, spent more nights by her side, then maybe the outcome would've been different.

Now my garden life and my real life have mirrored each other in the cruelest of ways I guess this is my form of payment for letting go of myself so. For not holding back, for truly forgetting my place. There are plenty "I should've known better" running around in my head. For now, I will not pay attention. Believe me. There are plenty of empty nights ahead of me.

There is a person in a worse position than me right now. I wish the best for her. A genuine chance for happiness or at least the courage to find someone who is worth her time and love, and that would give her the ability for her heart to heal and move on. I am just sorry I couldn't be that person. The affections are still the same.

Pixie was acquired by another person. Though I was saddened, I think it's for the best. I wouldn't be able to care genuinely for her right now. Or anyone for that matter.

Life has too many webs and we are all tangled in them

If I were to say that "things" have been happening around me, that would really be the largest understatement of the year.

Where to begin to tell the multiple stories though?

Let's see. First, my pretty girlfriend managed to get something out of her system that has been kept within for a very long time. Let's call it an unfulfilled desire, or, unfinished business if you will. Logically, I was not very happy with the notion nor the idea that she was going to engage in a sexual activity with her unprincipled ex-boyfriend. She insisted that no feelings would be in the middle. Just the 'pure' act of sex.

Considering she is a Stocker, and these creatures are known for their rambunctious sexual desire, I had to fight to gain an understanding attitude that was light years beyond me. Nonetheless, I consented. As long as it was that ONE TIME. With no encores.

Within a matter of weeks, my very pretty albeit bad-tempered friend/student Veronique was awaiting me in my office, quite adamant to see me. She didn't look very pleased, which isn't of surprise to anyone who knows her. Though to be honest, I was not prepared for what she had to say to me. It wasn't a long conversation. She merely told me that she thought Caterina was playing with me and my feelings. That I was nothing more than a rebound to her, and that her real love was Eric Delton (Veronique's boyfriend at the time). When I told her that if she brought that to light, then Caterina was my own rebound from Philippa. She went to point out that the only difference... was that she wasn't falling as hard as I was.

I won't deny it. It was all very hard to swallow, coming from a fellow Briton that normally doesn't have qualms to say the brutal truth to your face. Veronique does not embellish.

She continued with her 'tirade', saying that it was apparent, along with the fact that the way Caterina treats me is one that leaves much to be desired. Insinuating that she mistreats me, that she uses me, that she merely takes advantage of the fact that she was my girlfriend because it brought her security.

I told her that was none of her business and that she shouldn't meddle into a relationship that wasn't hers. Not very nicely said might I add. She merely shrugged and insisted that she was only doing what a friend in her position would do. But that she guessed I wouldn't know the meaning of that word.

It wasn't a pretty conversation. It hit me hard, as it normally does when your own secret, deeply harbored doubts come alive in the shape of a little girl with a big mouth. Though I dismissed her.

Call me old-fashioned and foolish, but I have high hopes for Caterina. I have very high hopes for our relationship. I do not believe that it is merely all for show. I believe we have a genuine care for one another. Yes, it would be horrible if this came to bite me in the ass in the future.

Soon after that, we were all in a cabin in some god-forsaken mountain, having a showdown of Veronique and Eric's very ugly and very public break up. At times it seemed she was being attacked ruthlessly but then I realized she had walked right into her own mess. Of course, I have to be grateful to her. If she hadn't gotten in the middle of Eric and Caterina in the first place then I might've not have her right now.

Funny how life works in mysterious ways.

Cat and Kitty Cats

Being without any company has led me to think of many things. Particularly of the difficulty of being in the company of the person I wish to be with. Was that confusing to read? That was confusing for me to type. Either way, in the midst of these thoughts, I decided to go to this cat breeder nearby our house. Please stop laughing. I know I was tilting towards a dog and I know that Cat and Caterina have the first three words in common, but I am not as pathetic as you think. Anyways, I looked at the kitten litter and fell in love with one of them. It's a female Norwegian Forest Cat and she is gorgeous. They call her Pixie, affectionately. She's spunky and fun, like my girlfriend :) That's the picture I took of her. And I know it might sound stupid, or perhaps not considering I speak to my plants, but I felt a connection with her.

I was planning on flying Caterina over to London next week so she could meet her and tell me what she thought. However that might not happen. Caterina Maria isn't exactly into it, considering she still has a very strong dislike towards London and it's people.

Ironic, isn't it?

Even if I truly believe she can overcome it and actually enjoy London in all it's glory. We'll have to see. I still need to dedicate more time to her, especially after Thierry and I had that talk about Stockers and their needs. Needy little sweethearts aren't they?

Caterina Maria is asleep next to me as I write this and I better get back to her, considering she's stirring and she gets stuffy whenever she sees me using the computer.

First 'Official' Date Results

We had a great date. It was simple, adorable, understated and delicious.

I took her to this Italian restaurant called Caffe Milano, which has always been one of my favorites considering the food is delicious and they have this exquisite chocolate delight, that is truly just to die for. I picked her up, a bit worried that her hair was wet and the night was very chilly. She called me a worry wart and we were on our way.

Truth be told, I was utterly nervous during the entire ordeal. She was stunning, with that sweet, sassy smile of hers, a dress that fit her curves and an utter disposition to enjoy herself. I did my best to mimic her, be calm and collected but my mind was racing with all these ridiculous possibilities. Would she enjoy the food? Did she like the ambiance? Is she comfortable? Is it too modern? Does it look like I'm going out of my way to please her?.

Mind you, I'm never this way during a date. I'm normally very calm, very together and quite frankly very out of it. Maybe the restaurants I choose are always a bit stuffy or the dates aren't that entertaining. I've had fun dates before but this was one was sweet. With it's ups and downs.

We talked about many things, but mostly she kept focusing on my cheeks! It's true, I was most embarrassed during the entire thing, which worries me a bit. I particularly enjoyed how the candlelight danced inside her eyes.

After that, we went by this gourmet supermarket I had been talking about during the date. It's called E.A.T. and it has a series of fruits and vegetables and drinks that aren't normally available. She completely flipped, which was quite a surprise to me. She started taking all these products, half of which I can't even remember.

When I dropped her at her house, we shared a kiss and she said she had a great time which did WONDERS for my nervous stomach. It was so sweet, so fun. I can't wait until I see her again.

First Date

Today is our first date with pouring rain as the backdrop. A weather which I love (and find extremely romantic) considering I grew up with it and it gives life to my plants. Yes. Our first "official date" as she calls it. And I suppose I haven't wanted to recognize it as such considering it raises my nerves by ten. It's not as if I haven't gone on first dates. I have, plenty of times. But this is a... first date for us, and I am dating a younger lady, things are a bit different. Mind you, I'm not going out of my way as to research how it is that young lads now go on dates, knowing pretty well I will be both highly disappointed and throughly disgusted. Nonetheless, it wouldn't kill to know.

Oh GOD, would you listen to the nonsensical things I am saying? Please.

She's pretty excited about it and I'm glad that she is. I sent her flowers just a few minutes ago. Tulips, her favorite. Along with a very kindred, albeit flirty note that I can hardly wait for tonight. Which is very true, considering I'm revising the menu of the place in advance. There ARE certain date type rules or so I have been told. First, and this is all Marie's doing, you can't order anything that spatters and stains your clothes. I believe I have checked it over a thousand times, I'm pretty sure of what I'm ordering yet I'm considerably anxious over it being the right choice.

Goodness, these nerves. I have to stop talking to Marie. She is making me neurotic because now food can harbor a hidden meaning of your real personality depending on what you order or how you eat it. She needs to stop reading so much Cosmopolitan.

I have a meeting around 16hrs. I still need to get gas for the car and get my shirt ironed. I'm good. I'm calming down. I'm listening to soothing music. I'm not thinking of the repercussions of this not working out. We have amazing sexual chemistry, it is unlikely that we won't share it on the table. Good. Positive thoughts.

I'm not an easily rattled person but having Marie talking on the phone constantly, does things to a man. Either way, I'm starved but I can't eat anything. Oh bloody first dates, I just remembered how much I hate them! ... now now, no need to rush. I'm calming down. I'm tranquil. I am going to nap.

...I really despise my perfectionist attitude at these moments. I should just stop writing and do other things. And that is exactly what I will do.

Assertiveness

Caterina Maria is my girlfriend. My girlfriend. Anyone that bothers her, chases her, insults her, annoys her or makes any passes at her will have to answer to me.

Was that clear? Good.

Good grief

Bloody.sexual.frustration.

It is not humanly possible to conceive the idea that we've been together an entire weekend and we have not been able to do anything! It's not even funny. We've slept in the same bed, we've awoken each other with kisses and soft-spoken words, but nothing ever turns rambunctious enough for us to appreciate it! It is positively nerve-racking the way the universe conspires against you. I have never witnessed it in such magnitude. If it isn't her intrusive but well-intentioned father, it's her attention-seeking twin brother, if it's neither of those two, it's her overly-materializing ex-boyfriend and if it's neither of those factors, it's our exhausted bodies!

Good GRIEF. You must be joking.

We are both in a foul mood. I even moved my plane ticket (a lovely 120 pounds that I'll never see again) to stay longer and see if we can perhaps make time for ourselves. I can't believe how quickly word travels, for I already have a godforsaken meeting in the morning.

My anxiety and anger are so bad, I'm having palpitations as we speak. Though now I shall retire to my girlfriend's arms as to comfort ourselves promptly. Or at least attempt to do so.

Caterina, the song bird

Congratulations to the beautiful Caterina Maria for an outstanding performance. :) I am very proud of you and to be honest, I was quite surprised at your hidden talents. You must promise to sing for me more often, privately. My own little song bird, how lucky am I? The Stockers are indeed a very gifted breed, in more ways than one.

Thinking

I miss my girlfriend desperately. I'm going to spend this weekend with Caterina Maria. Being rather exhausted from all the work, coming home to an empty room, eating dinner alone on the table... that ought to drive anyone out of their wits. Yes, I do paint a rather pathetic picture. It's either that or we buy a fish, at least. That's even more pathetic. I need to relax, enjoy my girlfriend more, and concentrate on working in Austria for the time being. Though my mum already complaining she hardly sees me. I'll make sure I video conference. Oh that was crude. It made me laugh.

Oh, Michelangelo cut his hair. He looks actually pretty good, very different to what I'm used to, so I didn't recognize him. He looks even more mature though he's still a pretty boy. Sorry, bloke. It's true.

Hm. I'm craving chocolate chip cookies.