Decisions

Caterina Maria and I are making arrangements to live together soon. Yes, it seems fast but to me, it seems reasonable. Having a long distance relationship is horrible. It makes you ache all the time and quite frankly, I don't think my pocket can take more private jets flying to Vienna on a day-to-day basis. Going on dates, spending the night in each other's arms, eating out, eating in, watching a movie... these are all things that I can't have if she lives far from me. So it's not completely unreasonable to want to be near her. She is my girlfriend.

It still feels rather funny to say that. I've never had such a fun, upbeat and completely unpredictable girlfriend. Though I'm a bit apprehensive. I don't want to be under the honeymoon effect for too long because it is unrealistic to find so many wonderful things in one person. But she is very giving, she knows how to cook, she smiles all the time, she has entertaining mood swings, she can dance, she makes me feel incredibly light when I'm with her... and makes me act incredibly unlike me. I am not the type of person who boasts and brags about their girlfriend though I can hardly contain myself. She makes me feel very light.

... :)

Tomorrow life begins to take over us. I go back to my work and the bemusing social functions that do not feel right if my Caterina isn't with me.

Perhaps I do need to calm a bit down as Henry says. Then again, Henry sleeps around like a dog and doesn't care about how feel, he just hates that I complain to him. Such good friends I have. I will now call Caterina.

Girlfriend

Caterina Maria is my fresh, discreet and enchanting new girlfriend. It happened last night, quite unexpected by own decisive action. Though I must say, I'm quite pleased with my choice considering it's been a few months since I broke up with Philippa. I shouldn't feel bad; Philippa looks quite happy with George either way. Caterina is a lovely person and I've grown quite fond of her throughout this whirlwind. I'm currently in Vienna and I'll see her in a matter of minutes, which brings me a wonderful sense of peace... much needed in my life.

Boo-Hoo Crew

Thank you Boo-Hoo crew. You gave the perfect excuse. Thank you, really. Thank you :)

Offering me another form of relief

I had a meeting a little while ago though I'm still lingering in the board room for no particular reason. I'm pondering the notion of visiting Caterina tonight or perhaps tomorrow and have lunch with her.

The entire situation is rather peculiar that we never get to spend more than a day together. Considering we both live in two different countries, I suppose it's not that surprising. Even if I've seriously considered leaving London to be closer to her, it wouldn't be for long. I have serious responsabilities to fulfill in England as Earl Percy; responsabilities I cannot rid myself of. My parents are leaving me alone, without any kind of restraint for a single reason: they believe I'm involved in a period of mourning due to my previous relationship. And they are hoping that I'm also making myself busy looking at possible new candidates for the position as my girlfriend.

This isn't surprising to anyone who knows the nobility. It's not as forceful as it was, centuries past, but the pressure is quite overwhelming after my uncle Alan died without an heir. That is how my father got the title in the first place. It takes even more impetus now that I've reached 25 years of age and I dumped my girlfriend of two years. Scandalous even.

My grandfather Hugh, had he been alive would've probably had a seizure if he found out. He has been on my father's back ever since, insisting that I cannot be left to do as I please. And by that he means buying apartments for someone else in a foreign country. How is this possible you say? It's not strange that my grandfather makes dream-like appearances.

Though I am not even close to the pressure that is placed on the Dukedom of Sicily. They taught since the momeny they are born, to find a wife/husband and immediately breed an heir. Giovanni (he has a total of six names including his first name, which I find amusing) has been lucky enough to find Katzereine Cil, though I'm not sure I can say the same about her. I'm kidding. They do make a lovely pair.

Philippa sent me a text message last night, which unfolded into conversation, which then unfurled into a shouting match. One of the things she said to me was that I never loved her, I never truly demonstrated such love if there was for her. She then concluded that I was person that never loved so I wasn't to blame for being so cold, careless and unfeeling. Can I even be a good husband if the time came? Can I become someone monogamous entirely? I sometimes wonder if this all depends on love. It makes me uneasy to think that I never...

I will not let myself believe such a thing.

The Days After

I feel... lonely. And I have a strong desire to go to her, spend some time and just be around her though knowing her she might get the wrong idea. It's a popular concept that I'm using her exclusively for my benefit, without regards to her feelings.

But I suppose that's normal for anyone who has broken up. And has tried to make things right but made them worse. I lost my chance to amend things, so now I have to deal with the aftermath. It's a disheartening sensation, to loose credibility.

Although, I won't get drunk today. I feel too alive for that.

"It's alright to be discouraged..." My new mantra.

Break Up

It's been a while since I've had to battle photographers the way I did just so I could get out of the airport. Luckily it hadn't leaked that I left for Italy specifically to clear up some things with Caterina. I managed to get to my house scratch free but something unpleasant was waiting for me, Philippa. I walked right past her. She trailed me, the sound of her heels echoing all around the great entrance.

"Christian, please. Listen to me."

"I have nothing to say to you Philippa."

"Christian please, you're being unreasonable!"

I turned around to face her. She bumped into me due to the sudden movement I made, though I quickly put some distance.

"Unreasonable? Unreasonable?"

I walked towards the credenza and showed her three different newspapers with photos of Philippa with no one other than George. They were hugging, kissing on a restaurant with a very flashy and scandalous headline above them.

"It's on every bloody newspaper in the country!"

Philippa stared at the newspapers in horror then at me, her eyes seem pleading.

"Christian--"

"You did this on purpose. And had you done it in a discreet manner then perhaps things would be different. But you did it OUT ON THE OPEN--"

"Don't raise your voice to me."

"I raise my voice to whomever I bloody WANT!"

Philippa stared at me, flabbergasted.

"You are not the man I fell in love with."

"Well I am glad you realized that because that man that you used to love left the moment he saw this..." I raised the newspaper to her face. She looked around, uneasy it seemed.

"Let's talk somewhere else. This is far too public--"

"More public than the newspapers? Really?" I spat. She was truly getting on my nerves at this point. Though she got incensed after that commentary.

"You had a bloody affair with that woman and I stood by your side!"

I turned to face her.

"Did I parade it in your face? Did I do it anywhere a photographer could see us? Did I disrespect you in anyway? DID YOU EVEN KNOW HER?"

Philippa stared at me, her eyes wide. She didn't utter a single word.

"I thought so..."

"She ashamed me in front of your family! She humiliated me completely!" Philippa spat. "And by having an affair then you disrespected me!" She said finally.

"Then I suppose we are even. Instead all you lost was a boyfriend, I lost my girlfriend and a best friend. Simple as that."

"I never loved him! In all the times we encountered I never--"

"Wait a minute..." I stopped her, my eyes narrowing. "Encountered? T-This happened more than ONCE?"

Philippa stuttered "N-No."

I groaned but then contained myself, the innate frigidness taking over.

"Then by all means, you have no right to accuse me of anything, considering YOU were doing the same yourself."

"Oh it's very different, I didn't fall in love with George!"

"And I love Caterina?!"

"It's so BLOODY obvious!" she screamed.

I didn't speak.

"Everyone can see it, except yourself. The way you look at her-"

"Stop it. You will not use this as an excuse to justify your actions. The very same way that I cannot justify mine."

She sighed. "Then why can't you forgive me?"

Christian shook his head slowly. "He was my best friend Philippa. You could've done it with anyone else--"

"That wouldn't have hurt you" She admitted.

I looked at her. "Of course."

We were both quiet for what seemed like an eternity.

"I don't think we need to say anything else."

Statement

"I would like to announce that I and Miss Philippa Liddelton have formally separated. For those who follow these sorts of things, I would like to explain that our separation is not the result of any speculation reported by the tabloid media. This is a decision that is a result of much thoughtful consideration. Contrary to what has been said, I have not let Miss Caterina Maria Stocker with child, nor was she the cause of our separation. I ask that you please respect the privacy of each in this difficult time."

Christian Dominic Percy, Earl Percy.

Dot dot dot

. . .

That's all I have to say about the last events that have taken place in the past 24 hours. That is all I have to say about my unmanageable actions.

If this is really a mistake, then how come I keep repeating it? And how come I don't care that I'm making it over and over? Worse, I'm pursuing it. It's almost as if I want my relationship to fail.

We had sex. At the Milazzo's residence.

You would perhaps, think that maybe, I would've been satisfied. That maybe it was all I needed to simply let this go. No. She's made me completely and utterly... insatiable. And I hate her for that.

Mind Boggling

That is the only way I can describe myself at this point. That is the only way I can describe the need and desire I have for her. That is the only way I can conclude that maybe I haven't chosen the best alternative. If only I hadn't seen her today after all these months of preparation and failed attempts to forget her, maybe I would've been able to keep my dignity, my respect for myself.

Maybe... such a subjective word.

I couldn't resist.

I kissed her, in one of the numerous barely lit living rooms of the Milazzo Estate. I tasted her, I felt her, I desire her, I miss her... still. So many unrewarding nights of trying to get her out of my head, trying not to think about her, all the time, everytime. Making an effort to simply NOT think about her whenever I engaged in sexual endeavors with Philippa... her voice, her whimpers, her kitten-like smile, and all I did was throw it out the window. But I can't get that God forsaken woman out of my bloody head.

How could I just stand there, motionless as that weasel Henry flirted with her? How could I just dismiss her as she did me, with a mere glance?

I don't want to miss her. I don't want to think that I made the wrong choice, I don't. I don't want to believe that I am a mess because of her. I don't want to believe that this woman is making me a jealous man. A man that has no power or possession over this woman, whatsoever. What is my PROBLEM then?!

I am not programmed to feel regret. I never have... yet ever since we've stopped talking, it's all I've been feeling. Regret. Remorse. Day in and day out. Questioning myself.

No.

This can't happen again. Even so, as I write this, I know this is a vicious cycle I won't be able to break. Because I don't want to break it. Because what I saw in her eyes... just spurs me on.

...what am I doing?

Killing Time

I am already at the airport. I'm just curious over one thing. One small thing. Why the hell am I still thinking about her? Why the bloody hell am I entertaining thoughts of us, together, in bed? Why on earth am I feeling so damn hollow? Is this normal? I don't remember ever feeling this way before.

It makes no sense. I think the lack of sleep is making me delusional and irrational. Definitely. I mean, it made me imagine Caterina going into the airport and buying a ticket. If that is not self-deception- what is?

Should and Shouldn't

I took a plane to Miami, just as I shouldn't have. I went to see her, just as I shouldn't have. I told her my conclusion, reached after 24 hours of profound, mind-numbing, grueling reflection, as I should've. I'm staying with Philippa. It's the right thing to do. I am not going to continue with a relationship that is potentially noxious for us both, that will end up destroying us... that will end up destroying me. I have no intention of letting go of who I think I am. I'm too proud for that.

Though without a doubt, it was one of the strangest things I've ever lived. I felt I was alive in two alternate dimensions. The one where I was sure of what I was doing and KNEW I had to break it off. The other, where I just wanted to hold her and kiss her and listen to her complain about her trifling manners. The moment spoke and laid things out for her, I felt separated from my reality... which is puzzling to me. She reacted just as I had expected, throwing me out of the room after making me feel regretful for doing what I did. I found myself smiling after it. Call me arrogant, I feel I can win her back somehow even if she clearly stated that she doesn't do the "let's be friends" deal. Ironic, that's all I'll say.

I am beat though. I am scheduled to leave to London on the next flight out. 7:25 P.M. I hope I can actually make it to the airport and to the flight because I have not slept for almost two days. I normally sleep a lot, early and well. These fews days have been so bloody hectic, I haven't touched my bed. I find this abnormal and rather vexing. There are few people (if not NONE) that I would loose sleep for.

With a few hours to kill before I have to be in the airport and with Caterina not wanting to see me, I suppose there's only one option left for me to do. Aimless walking around boutiques. So much fun.

Weighing

Seems as if my migranes finally have a semi-reasonable explanation. I am in need of glasses. Yes. It is quite shocking though I'm pretty sure I can pull off the look without any problem. I'll look quite dashing either way.

Trying to avoid thinking about what I am supposed to be thinking isn't working for me. I am loosing my senses, I want to distract myself with noise or do things I've been postponing. For example, arranging my books in alphabetical order, colour-coordinate my closet, tend to my poison garden, along with a few other miscellanous activities.

As that song says, sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. The hardest thing for me right now is being able to think properly. I don't want to think. I am afraid of the conclusions I might reach; conclusions that might shake the very foundation of my being. And caused by something so stupid. A petty fight that basically opened a can of worms.

Now, I am not one with a flair for the dramatic, I actually criticize the behaviour. I don't bother with the theatrical, over-the-top expression of 'feelings'. I do not like overthinking or exaggerating the problem. What I am going through is not a problem. It's... an epiphany of sorts.

I do not know what kind of moral values I have at this point, which is baffling to me. I thought I was this certain way. I thought I wouldn't engage in any sort of involvement whilst I was in a serious relationship... Allow me to rephrase that in a more realistic sense, I wouldn't engage in any liaison that would last more than a few weeks. While it is true that my relationship with Philippa is nothing as it once was, and that by no means is an excuse, I still feel great care and esteem towards her.

Because, let's be honest. We are involved in some way. Even if it doesn't have a name. We are involved. To be honest, I didn't think it would last. She just got out of a very traumatizing relationship, she despised anything that was remotely British, and she had a foul temper. However she was very attractive, fun to tease and... experienced in the bedroom.

I am not someone who likes to divulge sensitive information in a careless manner, so don't be surprised. I do have some dignity left. I do not feel comfortable talking about this. I feel I still need to think, reflect and mull over. My options, my choices, my course of action. Though I am 99.9% sure of what I have to do and what I will do in the end. It's that 00.1% of doubt that concerns me.

I am not a man of whim.

Evolving into migranes

I am experiencing of one of the largest, most vicious headaches in human history. It's not even funny the amount of pain and discomfort that I'm feeling. Must be a migrane.

It doesn't help in the least when I receive a call from her; weeping, feeling all morose and lonely. It kills me. I wish I could be there with her, well aware that she's crying for idiotic reasons (knowing her) but I can't be there to comfort her or even call her off for being such a melodramatic queen. I am here. I am stuck in London. And for one bloody minute I wish I could stop thinking (and cursing as well).

You can't stop me. I'm going for it. Me and Mr. Bourbon, reunited once more.

What a truly pathetic existence.

Bittersweet Argument

I must be thankful for my reflexes and I am. I really I am.

I held Philippa's hand in mid-air as she was getting ready to slap me in the face. I am one of those blokes that is awfully respectful of one's face, it's sacred which means completely off-limits. I gave her a leveling stare, my displeasure quite evident which was all it took for her to recover her wits.

"What is this about a rendez-vous you had in Vienna?" She was rather acid but calmer than what she would've been had she struck me.

"A small birthday get-together in case we're putting labels on things."

"Oh don't be smart with me Christian, I am in no mood!"

"Well, I suggest you relax yourself for I am not about to deal with a hysteric."

"Why wasn't I invited?"

"I wasn't in charge of the guest list," which is the truth mind you.

She took that into consideration it seemed as she continued with her tirade.

"Then why didn't your little friend" insert sufficient venom here "invite me?! She knows I exist, I assume"

"Yes, she knows and why she chose not to tell you is beyond me at this point. And lower your voice, I have a horrid headache."

She threw her purse in my bed, along with her coat then crossed her arms and stared at me. I remained quite comfortable in my chair, rubbing my temple absentmindedly.

"Christian... we've been together for over two--"

"I'm well aware of our time together"

"--good. My point is, why on earth didn't you bother to call me and inform me that this was taking place? And since when is this woman so important in your life--"

"Please Philippa. You're overreacting. She's just a friend."

She looked dumbfounded. "Overreacting? Christian Dominic, this woman threw you a party, didn't invite ME yet invited your close friends that she barely even knows. It's on purpose!"

I remained silent, looking at her.

"And God knows how many times I called you! And you didn't even answer your bloody mobile! You know how embarrassing it is for me to call your parents--"

"You called my parents?" I was surprised, a bit vexed by the notion also.

"T-To see if they knew where to locate you! But I was transferred to their secretary which then transferred me to yours! It's ridiculous the amount of secretaries you people have!"

...

"Why were you avoiding me Christian?" She managed to ask after a while. "I'm inclined to believe this girl is not only a FRIEND you know."

"I was in a business trip Philippa."

"That is not an answer to my question. I don't want you to see her again."

I quirked my eyebrow. "You're jesting, yes?"

"No! I do not want you talking to this senseless cow--"

"She is hardly a cow."

She gasped in outrage.

"So she's attractive too?!"

I did not see that coming and I should've. I was careless.

"I'm not going to stop seeing her Philippa. She is my friend. She just got out of a serious relationship and she's not interested in me in that way. You're just paranoid."

For some reason, after I said that, I felt I was lying not only to her but to myself.

"If you have any respect for this relationship, you will not attempt to see her again. For if you do--"

I laughed in spite of myself. "You are forbidding me to see my friend?"

"It will be a deliberate insult against my dignity and integrity. Not to say what it will do to your own sense of morality and ethics."

I was tempted to answer that I could care less for her dignity and her integrity but I found my silence to be more prudent. I could see she was holding in some tears, the mere act of standing before me and confronting me was taking a toll on her pride. Without anything else to say, she gathered her things and left. I sighed. I do not remember engaging in a longer, more painstaking conversation in all of my life with Philippa. I was rather weary of the direction it took. Yet my mind was elsewhere, with someone else. The core reason of why I was arguing lingered in my mind like an after-taste.

Bittersweet.

Hungover

Good grief, I never realized how loud Eleanor is until she woke me up just now. After I've had a busy night with the Scotch courtesy of a good friend; a high-pitched squeal is anything but welcomed. I can't even remember why I was drinking as much in the first place. I'm trying to think and no... no good. It hurts to even ponder at this point. It's even harder when Eleanor is pulling my arm and telling me to get dressed already that Philippa is waiting for me in the foyer.

Philippa... here... did I tell her to come by?

I remember the phone ringing. I remember I ignored the phone. I remember debating whether or not I should go to sleep. I also remember, vaguely, various messages in my credenza left by my secretary, most of them labeled urgent and Philippa written in big block letters.

So you could say this moment has been forewarned in more ways than one, and I've disregarded each and everyone of them. I can pretty much imagine what this might be about but I'm feeling rather lethargic at the moment, and my interest in this and it's dealings is practically zero.

The door just flew open. Eleanor promptly left my side, after what I can imagine was a long staring match between her and Philippa (whom else would it be?). She is tapping my shoulder right now. I suppose this means it's time to turn around.

Messages at 3 AM

I have a message from Philippa on my mobile. I have no idea why and apparently it's not the only one. I'm sorry it's messages. Good grief. Has she gone mad? I'm exhausted but I can't sleep in my laughable attempt to contact Caterina. Suits me well for being so bloody desperate. I wonder, is this some strange irony that is playing right before my very intoxicated therefore oblivious eyes?

I should go to bed.

I should.

Fatigued yet bloody mad

Well I'm at home. I'm exhausted from all the traveling. I want to sleep forever but that would get in the way of my Planet Earth obsession so that won't be good. My lovely flowers are ready to bloom or so I think. I've been rather careless with them, which is sad and shameful. I shall tend to them and give them lots and lots and lots and lots of love.

But nothing is more shameful than the fact that Miss Caterina Maria has not had the decency to even send a measly message dictating whether she's well or not! I do not expect her to send me a daily correspondence but at least one of those characteristic (nonetheless dry) hellos. But not even THAT. Just thinking about it sends bouts of energy through my being, as if I was going through a caffeine rush, instead it's an overwhelming feeling of outrage. Ugh. Bloody sexual politics!

It's just not fair. Poo :(

...it doesn't help that I'm a wee bit drunk right now does it (oh so many grammatical errors I must correct!). It also doesn't help that I wrote an e-mail when I'm utterly pissed off/drunk. Oh bloody hell.

Mesmerized by Planet Earth

Planet Earth is so bloody amazing it's not even funny. It's just an outstanding piece of cinematography. The colors, the richness, the vibrancy of these images. The effects that Mother Nature herself has displayed before us makes anything made by Hollywood fall flat on it's face. True, I admit I am biased considering I love nature but I think that anyone that perhaps thinks they won't like it, will end up loving it through these eyes. It's just... amazing. You get to understand both humans and animals so well. I would really love it if Caterina Maria were here to see this with me. I would love to share it, just so she can see what I see.

Sappy, I don't care. I'm dazzled. How is it that we live on a such a beautiful land and we destroy it so carelessly?

I'm grateful to Michelangelo, he gave it to me as a birthday present after buying himself a copy. He thought I might fancy it, and he thought correctly. Goodness gracious. I know I should be resting and getting ready for later but I can't... it's too bloody fantastic and I can't go to sleep. Imagine that... five entire CD's of sheer marvelous displays of nature. Pure, untouched nature.

I can swear on my life, I almost had an orgasm.

Post-Birthday already

I had a wonderful birthday, thanks to the lovely Caterina Maria. We went to lunch to this very nice and trendy restaurant. Before that, Caterina Maria met my very close friends which proved to be not disastrous as I had predicted. Henry, Collin and George can be overbearing for the most part yet Caterina wasn't intimidated, which I loved. It's very strange to find a woman who is comfortable around your friends and doesn't feel threatened by them. After that, I went to her house where she had a beautifully orchestrated surprise party for myself. I was floored, I really wasn't expecting it considering I despise parties but this was an exquisite balance of a get-together with close friends, really good food and naughty entertainment. For all who are curious, it was rated PG-14. No orgies, no rambunctious sex on Dr. Stocker's apartment, but it was kinky. Ohh and decadent. So many chocolate cakes, I was about to have an orgasm, which would be surprising considering--

I'm not going to finish that sentence. Truly, being around Caterina, makes me talk so freely about things I shouldn't or normally wouldn't.

I loved it. No one has ever thrown me a party like this, considering that not many people fancy (or even know) about my indecorous sex kinks.

It's depressing for me to watch her leave. She does has this thing for travel but for once, I find myself thinking I wish she didn't leave. Nothing I can about that. In fact, all I can do right now is finish my packing and fly over to London... and prepare myself because Henry called to give me a head's up and I'm pretty sure turmoil is approaching. Always good to stir up the masses.

My Birthday

Happy Birthday to me :)

New York City and back

Back from NYC and I thought I would miss it but I don't. I am staying over in Vienna for a few days, no need to explain why.

On Sunday Michelangelo and I decided to go shopping to buy souveniers and other things. We ended up closing the Roosevelt Fields Mall in Long Island (if I'm not mistaken?). I admit I would've preferred to have shopped in the many boutiques in Madison Avenue, which I must say were quite near to our hotel. But he insisted he didn't want to shop there because it was overpriced. So we took a cab (another mistake considering NOT one of the five cabs we took knew how to get there). Most definitely not a good idea to go shopping on a Sunday when everyone is there. It's quite vexing to be with all those people bumping into you and not apologizing. Not only that, the sales people can be quite rude on occassion. I didn't buy as much as I want to and I didn't go to half the stores as much as I would've wanted to, but that happens when you're running short on time.

After that we went to La Goulue, a decadent (not to mention delicious) french bistro located in 65th and Madison. The food is simply remarkable. I know Michelangelo thought the same for we barely spoke when our food was in front of us. Simply... delicious.

Then we had quite an interesting flight back. Well actually interesting is putting it nicely. It was a complete nightmare with the bloody airline cancelling flights left and right and re-routing us through unthinkable places! It was particularly nervewrecking for me after I had made a mental schedule of where I would be and at what hour I would be there. We met up with Dr. Stocker in the airport which thank God, supplied me with conversation since Michelangelo was useless in that department. And we also met up with Marie, who mistakenly (or purposely?) took our flight. She said she didn't want to be alone.

Alas, I'm in Vienna, and I'm seeing Caterina Maria in a few hours so it was all worth it.