I Release You

There comes a time when you have spent so much time outside of yourself that you forget who you are. This isn’t my case. I know who I am. What I don’t know is who made me human. Experience has made me more of a guarded fool than a cynical bastard. This gives way to a scenario where the words leave my mouth faster than my brain can process. Speaking to the first woman I ever truly loved made me stumble upon a truth buried deep within me: I hadn’t let her go. I still wasn’t over her.

Disgust assaulted me in waves. I thought this was taken care of.

The clock struck 1 in the morning as another sleepless night loomed in the horizon. My bed couldn’t soothe my tension so I walked aimlessly around my room. Soft creaks from the wooden floor dispersed the thick silence. My mind was going through my memories fast. I had already disposed of all the belongings she had left behind. I had tried to get her back. I had grieved what could have been. It made no sense.

The wind made its impatience known as it rattled the windows of the manor. This was ridiculous. I had an early meeting in the morning. I couldn’t waste my night on this.

I sat down on my desk. Found a piece of paper and a pen then I proceeded to write.

Dearest,

You were my sun. I loved you for who you were and not who they wanted to be. You wanted a cheating bastard over someone who could’ve made you truly happy. To each its own. I thank you for what you did for me. One day I will forgive your treacherous heart. As of today, I forget you.

Sincerely,

C.D.P.

There, in the same place I had regained my humanity, I remembered her. And then she was gone.

Withered

Everyone believes or believed I am/was wasting my time. I am not a man who wastes time, I am fairly good at many things and I just don't waste time in any endeavor I pursue. Never have, never will. So yeah, I was used and I knew this would happen so it didn't take much for me to accept it. It was all a matter of time before the sand settled on the ground and the real colors came into display.

This has happened to me before. I had fallen in love with this beautiful, exuberant flower. True, she was given to me in a horrible, tattered condition. But I was naïve, still am. I thought I could save it. She was so beautiful to me. I dedicated day and night to her. I talked to her, I watered her everyday, I tended to her. I became too involved. She began to grow before my eyes, improve her condition and at least have more willpower to fight.

One day, without notice, fuss or fanfare, she passed away. Her little leaves crumbled, her petals withered so that she was nothing more than a memory to me. I spent days looking at her, thinking a million ways of how I went wrong about her care. What I could've done to save her. How, if I would've tried harder, spent more nights by her side, then maybe the outcome would've been different.

Now my garden life and my real life have mirrored each other in the cruelest of ways I guess this is my form of payment for letting go of myself so. For not holding back, for truly forgetting my place. There are plenty "I should've known better" running around in my head. For now, I will not pay attention. Believe me. There are plenty of empty nights ahead of me.

There is a person in a worse position than me right now. I wish the best for her. A genuine chance for happiness or at least the courage to find someone who is worth her time and love, and that would give her the ability for her heart to heal and move on. I am just sorry I couldn't be that person. The affections are still the same.

Pixie was acquired by another person. Though I was saddened, I think it's for the best. I wouldn't be able to care genuinely for her right now. Or anyone for that matter.

Life has too many webs and we are all tangled in them

If I were to say that "things" have been happening around me, that would really be the largest understatement of the year.

Where to begin to tell the multiple stories though?

Let's see. First, my pretty girlfriend managed to get something out of her system that has been kept within for a very long time. Let's call it an unfulfilled desire, or, unfinished business if you will. Logically, I was not very happy with the notion nor the idea that she was going to engage in a sexual activity with her unprincipled ex-boyfriend. She insisted that no feelings would be in the middle. Just the 'pure' act of sex.

Considering she is a Stocker, and these creatures are known for their rambunctious sexual desire, I had to fight to gain an understanding attitude that was light years beyond me. Nonetheless, I consented. As long as it was that ONE TIME. With no encores.

Within a matter of weeks, my very pretty albeit bad-tempered friend/student Veronique was awaiting me in my office, quite adamant to see me. She didn't look very pleased, which isn't of surprise to anyone who knows her. Though to be honest, I was not prepared for what she had to say to me. It wasn't a long conversation. She merely told me that she thought Caterina was playing with me and my feelings. That I was nothing more than a rebound to her, and that her real love was Eric Delton (Veronique's boyfriend at the time). When I told her that if she brought that to light, then Caterina was my own rebound from Philippa. She went to point out that the only difference... was that she wasn't falling as hard as I was.

I won't deny it. It was all very hard to swallow, coming from a fellow Briton that normally doesn't have qualms to say the brutal truth to your face. Veronique does not embellish.

She continued with her 'tirade', saying that it was apparent, along with the fact that the way Caterina treats me is one that leaves much to be desired. Insinuating that she mistreats me, that she uses me, that she merely takes advantage of the fact that she was my girlfriend because it brought her security.

I told her that was none of her business and that she shouldn't meddle into a relationship that wasn't hers. Not very nicely said might I add. She merely shrugged and insisted that she was only doing what a friend in her position would do. But that she guessed I wouldn't know the meaning of that word.

It wasn't a pretty conversation. It hit me hard, as it normally does when your own secret, deeply harbored doubts come alive in the shape of a little girl with a big mouth. Though I dismissed her.

Call me old-fashioned and foolish, but I have high hopes for Caterina. I have very high hopes for our relationship. I do not believe that it is merely all for show. I believe we have a genuine care for one another. Yes, it would be horrible if this came to bite me in the ass in the future.

Soon after that, we were all in a cabin in some god-forsaken mountain, having a showdown of Veronique and Eric's very ugly and very public break up. At times it seemed she was being attacked ruthlessly but then I realized she had walked right into her own mess. Of course, I have to be grateful to her. If she hadn't gotten in the middle of Eric and Caterina in the first place then I might've not have her right now.

Funny how life works in mysterious ways.

Cat and Kitty Cats

Being without any company has led me to think of many things. Particularly of the difficulty of being in the company of the person I wish to be with. Was that confusing to read? That was confusing for me to type. Either way, in the midst of these thoughts, I decided to go to this cat breeder nearby our house. Please stop laughing. I know I was tilting towards a dog and I know that Cat and Caterina have the first three words in common, but I am not as pathetic as you think. Anyways, I looked at the kitten litter and fell in love with one of them. It's a female Norwegian Forest Cat and she is gorgeous. They call her Pixie, affectionately. She's spunky and fun, like my girlfriend :) That's the picture I took of her. And I know it might sound stupid, or perhaps not considering I speak to my plants, but I felt a connection with her.

I was planning on flying Caterina over to London next week so she could meet her and tell me what she thought. However that might not happen. Caterina Maria isn't exactly into it, considering she still has a very strong dislike towards London and it's people.

Ironic, isn't it?

Even if I truly believe she can overcome it and actually enjoy London in all it's glory. We'll have to see. I still need to dedicate more time to her, especially after Thierry and I had that talk about Stockers and their needs. Needy little sweethearts aren't they?

Caterina Maria is asleep next to me as I write this and I better get back to her, considering she's stirring and she gets stuffy whenever she sees me using the computer.

First 'Official' Date Results

We had a great date. It was simple, adorable, understated and delicious.

I took her to this Italian restaurant called Caffe Milano, which has always been one of my favorites considering the food is delicious and they have this exquisite chocolate delight, that is truly just to die for. I picked her up, a bit worried that her hair was wet and the night was very chilly. She called me a worry wart and we were on our way.

Truth be told, I was utterly nervous during the entire ordeal. She was stunning, with that sweet, sassy smile of hers, a dress that fit her curves and an utter disposition to enjoy herself. I did my best to mimic her, be calm and collected but my mind was racing with all these ridiculous possibilities. Would she enjoy the food? Did she like the ambiance? Is she comfortable? Is it too modern? Does it look like I'm going out of my way to please her?.

Mind you, I'm never this way during a date. I'm normally very calm, very together and quite frankly very out of it. Maybe the restaurants I choose are always a bit stuffy or the dates aren't that entertaining. I've had fun dates before but this was one was sweet. With it's ups and downs.

We talked about many things, but mostly she kept focusing on my cheeks! It's true, I was most embarrassed during the entire thing, which worries me a bit. I particularly enjoyed how the candlelight danced inside her eyes.

After that, we went by this gourmet supermarket I had been talking about during the date. It's called E.A.T. and it has a series of fruits and vegetables and drinks that aren't normally available. She completely flipped, which was quite a surprise to me. She started taking all these products, half of which I can't even remember.

When I dropped her at her house, we shared a kiss and she said she had a great time which did WONDERS for my nervous stomach. It was so sweet, so fun. I can't wait until I see her again.

First Date

Today is our first date with pouring rain as the backdrop. A weather which I love (and find extremely romantic) considering I grew up with it and it gives life to my plants. Yes. Our first "official date" as she calls it. And I suppose I haven't wanted to recognize it as such considering it raises my nerves by ten. It's not as if I haven't gone on first dates. I have, plenty of times. But this is a... first date for us, and I am dating a younger lady, things are a bit different. Mind you, I'm not going out of my way as to research how it is that young lads now go on dates, knowing pretty well I will be both highly disappointed and throughly disgusted. Nonetheless, it wouldn't kill to know.

Oh GOD, would you listen to the nonsensical things I am saying? Please.

She's pretty excited about it and I'm glad that she is. I sent her flowers just a few minutes ago. Tulips, her favorite. Along with a very kindred, albeit flirty note that I can hardly wait for tonight. Which is very true, considering I'm revising the menu of the place in advance. There ARE certain date type rules or so I have been told. First, and this is all Marie's doing, you can't order anything that spatters and stains your clothes. I believe I have checked it over a thousand times, I'm pretty sure of what I'm ordering yet I'm considerably anxious over it being the right choice.

Goodness, these nerves. I have to stop talking to Marie. She is making me neurotic because now food can harbor a hidden meaning of your real personality depending on what you order or how you eat it. She needs to stop reading so much Cosmopolitan.

I have a meeting around 16hrs. I still need to get gas for the car and get my shirt ironed. I'm good. I'm calming down. I'm listening to soothing music. I'm not thinking of the repercussions of this not working out. We have amazing sexual chemistry, it is unlikely that we won't share it on the table. Good. Positive thoughts.

I'm not an easily rattled person but having Marie talking on the phone constantly, does things to a man. Either way, I'm starved but I can't eat anything. Oh bloody first dates, I just remembered how much I hate them! ... now now, no need to rush. I'm calming down. I'm tranquil. I am going to nap.

...I really despise my perfectionist attitude at these moments. I should just stop writing and do other things. And that is exactly what I will do.

Assertiveness

Caterina Maria is my girlfriend. My girlfriend. Anyone that bothers her, chases her, insults her, annoys her or makes any passes at her will have to answer to me.

Was that clear? Good.

Good grief

Bloody.sexual.frustration.

It is not humanly possible to conceive the idea that we've been together an entire weekend and we have not been able to do anything! It's not even funny. We've slept in the same bed, we've awoken each other with kisses and soft-spoken words, but nothing ever turns rambunctious enough for us to appreciate it! It is positively nerve-racking the way the universe conspires against you. I have never witnessed it in such magnitude. If it isn't her intrusive but well-intentioned father, it's her attention-seeking twin brother, if it's neither of those two, it's her overly-materializing ex-boyfriend and if it's neither of those factors, it's our exhausted bodies!

Good GRIEF. You must be joking.

We are both in a foul mood. I even moved my plane ticket (a lovely 120 pounds that I'll never see again) to stay longer and see if we can perhaps make time for ourselves. I can't believe how quickly word travels, for I already have a godforsaken meeting in the morning.

My anxiety and anger are so bad, I'm having palpitations as we speak. Though now I shall retire to my girlfriend's arms as to comfort ourselves promptly. Or at least attempt to do so.

Caterina, the song bird

Congratulations to the beautiful Caterina Maria for an outstanding performance. :) I am very proud of you and to be honest, I was quite surprised at your hidden talents. You must promise to sing for me more often, privately. My own little song bird, how lucky am I? The Stockers are indeed a very gifted breed, in more ways than one.

Thinking

I miss my girlfriend desperately. I'm going to spend this weekend with Caterina Maria. Being rather exhausted from all the work, coming home to an empty room, eating dinner alone on the table... that ought to drive anyone out of their wits. Yes, I do paint a rather pathetic picture. It's either that or we buy a fish, at least. That's even more pathetic. I need to relax, enjoy my girlfriend more, and concentrate on working in Austria for the time being. Though my mum already complaining she hardly sees me. I'll make sure I video conference. Oh that was crude. It made me laugh.

Oh, Michelangelo cut his hair. He looks actually pretty good, very different to what I'm used to, so I didn't recognize him. He looks even more mature though he's still a pretty boy. Sorry, bloke. It's true.

Hm. I'm craving chocolate chip cookies.

Decisions

Caterina Maria and I are making arrangements to live together soon. Yes, it seems fast but to me, it seems reasonable. Having a long distance relationship is horrible. It makes you ache all the time and quite frankly, I don't think my pocket can take more private jets flying to Vienna on a day-to-day basis. Going on dates, spending the night in each other's arms, eating out, eating in, watching a movie... these are all things that I can't have if she lives far from me. So it's not completely unreasonable to want to be near her. She is my girlfriend.

It still feels rather funny to say that. I've never had such a fun, upbeat and completely unpredictable girlfriend. Though I'm a bit apprehensive. I don't want to be under the honeymoon effect for too long because it is unrealistic to find so many wonderful things in one person. But she is very giving, she knows how to cook, she smiles all the time, she has entertaining mood swings, she can dance, she makes me feel incredibly light when I'm with her... and makes me act incredibly unlike me. I am not the type of person who boasts and brags about their girlfriend though I can hardly contain myself. She makes me feel very light.

... :)

Tomorrow life begins to take over us. I go back to my work and the bemusing social functions that do not feel right if my Caterina isn't with me.

Perhaps I do need to calm a bit down as Henry says. Then again, Henry sleeps around like a dog and doesn't care about how feel, he just hates that I complain to him. Such good friends I have. I will now call Caterina.

Girlfriend

Caterina Maria is my fresh, discreet and enchanting new girlfriend. It happened last night, quite unexpected by own decisive action. Though I must say, I'm quite pleased with my choice considering it's been a few months since I broke up with Philippa. I shouldn't feel bad; Philippa looks quite happy with George either way. Caterina is a lovely person and I've grown quite fond of her throughout this whirlwind. I'm currently in Vienna and I'll see her in a matter of minutes, which brings me a wonderful sense of peace... much needed in my life.

Boo-Hoo Crew

Thank you Boo-Hoo crew. You gave the perfect excuse. Thank you, really. Thank you :)

Offering me another form of relief

I had a meeting a little while ago though I'm still lingering in the board room for no particular reason. I'm pondering the notion of visiting Caterina tonight or perhaps tomorrow and have lunch with her.

The entire situation is rather peculiar that we never get to spend more than a day together. Considering we both live in two different countries, I suppose it's not that surprising. Even if I've seriously considered leaving London to be closer to her, it wouldn't be for long. I have serious responsabilities to fulfill in England as Earl Percy; responsabilities I cannot rid myself of. My parents are leaving me alone, without any kind of restraint for a single reason: they believe I'm involved in a period of mourning due to my previous relationship. And they are hoping that I'm also making myself busy looking at possible new candidates for the position as my girlfriend.

This isn't surprising to anyone who knows the nobility. It's not as forceful as it was, centuries past, but the pressure is quite overwhelming after my uncle Alan died without an heir. That is how my father got the title in the first place. It takes even more impetus now that I've reached 25 years of age and I dumped my girlfriend of two years. Scandalous even.

My grandfather Hugh, had he been alive would've probably had a seizure if he found out. He has been on my father's back ever since, insisting that I cannot be left to do as I please. And by that he means buying apartments for someone else in a foreign country. How is this possible you say? It's not strange that my grandfather makes dream-like appearances.

Though I am not even close to the pressure that is placed on the Dukedom of Sicily. They taught since the momeny they are born, to find a wife/husband and immediately breed an heir. Giovanni (he has a total of six names including his first name, which I find amusing) has been lucky enough to find Katzereine Cil, though I'm not sure I can say the same about her. I'm kidding. They do make a lovely pair.

Philippa sent me a text message last night, which unfolded into conversation, which then unfurled into a shouting match. One of the things she said to me was that I never loved her, I never truly demonstrated such love if there was for her. She then concluded that I was person that never loved so I wasn't to blame for being so cold, careless and unfeeling. Can I even be a good husband if the time came? Can I become someone monogamous entirely? I sometimes wonder if this all depends on love. It makes me uneasy to think that I never...

I will not let myself believe such a thing.

The Days After

I feel... lonely. And I have a strong desire to go to her, spend some time and just be around her though knowing her she might get the wrong idea. It's a popular concept that I'm using her exclusively for my benefit, without regards to her feelings.

But I suppose that's normal for anyone who has broken up. And has tried to make things right but made them worse. I lost my chance to amend things, so now I have to deal with the aftermath. It's a disheartening sensation, to loose credibility.

Although, I won't get drunk today. I feel too alive for that.

"It's alright to be discouraged..." My new mantra.

Statement

"I would like to announce that I and Miss Philippa Liddelton have formally separated. For those who follow these sorts of things, I would like to explain that our separation is not the result of any speculation reported by the tabloid media. This is a decision that is a result of much thoughtful consideration. Contrary to what has been said, I have not let Miss Caterina Maria Stocker with child, nor was she the cause of our separation. I ask that you please respect the privacy of each in this difficult time."

Christian Dominic Percy, Earl Percy.

Dot dot dot

. . .

That's all I have to say about the last events that have taken place in the past 24 hours. That is all I have to say about my unmanageable actions.

If this is really a mistake, then how come I keep repeating it? And how come I don't care that I'm making it over and over? Worse, I'm pursuing it. It's almost as if I want my relationship to fail.

We had sex. At the Milazzo's residence.

You would perhaps, think that maybe, I would've been satisfied. That maybe it was all I needed to simply let this go. No. She's made me completely and utterly... insatiable. And I hate her for that.

Mind Boggling

That is the only way I can describe myself at this point. That is the only way I can describe the need and desire I have for her. That is the only way I can conclude that maybe I haven't chosen the best alternative. If only I hadn't seen her today after all these months of preparation and failed attempts to forget her, maybe I would've been able to keep my dignity, my respect for myself.

Maybe... such a subjective word.

I couldn't resist.

I kissed her, in one of the numerous barely lit living rooms of the Milazzo Estate. I tasted her, I felt her, I desire her, I miss her... still. So many unrewarding nights of trying to get her out of my head, trying not to think about her, all the time, everytime. Making an effort to simply NOT think about her whenever I engaged in sexual endeavors with Philippa... her voice, her whimpers, her kitten-like smile, and all I did was throw it out the window. But I can't get that God forsaken woman out of my bloody head.

How could I just stand there, motionless as that weasel Henry flirted with her? How could I just dismiss her as she did me, with a mere glance?

I don't want to miss her. I don't want to think that I made the wrong choice, I don't. I don't want to believe that I am a mess because of her. I don't want to believe that this woman is making me a jealous man. A man that has no power or possession over this woman, whatsoever. What is my PROBLEM then?!

I am not programmed to feel regret. I never have... yet ever since we've stopped talking, it's all I've been feeling. Regret. Remorse. Day in and day out. Questioning myself.

No.

This can't happen again. Even so, as I write this, I know this is a vicious cycle I won't be able to break. Because I don't want to break it. Because what I saw in her eyes... just spurs me on.

...what am I doing?

Killing Time

I am already at the airport. I'm just curious over one thing. One small thing. Why the hell am I still thinking about her? Why the bloody hell am I entertaining thoughts of us, together, in bed? Why on earth am I feeling so damn hollow? Is this normal? I don't remember ever feeling this way before.

It makes no sense. I think the lack of sleep is making me delusional and irrational. Definitely. I mean, it made me imagine Caterina going into the airport and buying a ticket. If that is not self-deception- what is?

Should and Shouldn't

I took a plane to Miami, just as I shouldn't have. I went to see her, just as I shouldn't have. I told her my conclusion, reached after 24 hours of profound, mind-numbing, grueling reflection, as I should've. I'm staying with Philippa. It's the right thing to do. I am not going to continue with a relationship that is potentially noxious for us both, that will end up destroying us... that will end up destroying me. I have no intention of letting go of who I think I am. I'm too proud for that.

Though without a doubt, it was one of the strangest things I've ever lived. I felt I was alive in two alternate dimensions. The one where I was sure of what I was doing and KNEW I had to break it off. The other, where I just wanted to hold her and kiss her and listen to her complain about her trifling manners. The moment spoke and laid things out for her, I felt separated from my reality... which is puzzling to me. She reacted just as I had expected, throwing me out of the room after making me feel regretful for doing what I did. I found myself smiling after it. Call me arrogant, I feel I can win her back somehow even if she clearly stated that she doesn't do the "let's be friends" deal. Ironic, that's all I'll say.

I am beat though. I am scheduled to leave to London on the next flight out. 7:25 P.M. I hope I can actually make it to the airport and to the flight because I have not slept for almost two days. I normally sleep a lot, early and well. These fews days have been so bloody hectic, I haven't touched my bed. I find this abnormal and rather vexing. There are few people (if not NONE) that I would loose sleep for.

With a few hours to kill before I have to be in the airport and with Caterina not wanting to see me, I suppose there's only one option left for me to do. Aimless walking around boutiques. So much fun.