I Release You

There comes a time when you have spent so much time outside of yourself that you forget who you are. This isn’t my case. I know who I am. What I don’t know is who made me human. Experience has made me more of a guarded fool than a cynical bastard. This gives way to a scenario where the words leave my mouth faster than my brain can process. Speaking to the first woman I ever truly loved made me stumble upon a truth buried deep within me: I hadn’t let her go. I still wasn’t over her.

Disgust assaulted me in waves. I thought this was taken care of.

The clock struck 1 in the morning as another sleepless night loomed in the horizon. My bed couldn’t soothe my tension so I walked aimlessly around my room. Soft creaks from the wooden floor dispersed the thick silence. My mind was going through my memories fast. I had already disposed of all the belongings she had left behind. I had tried to get her back. I had grieved what could have been. It made no sense.

The wind made its impatience known as it rattled the windows of the manor. This was ridiculous. I had an early meeting in the morning. I couldn’t waste my night on this.

I sat down on my desk. Found a piece of paper and a pen then I proceeded to write.

Dearest,

You were my sun. I loved you for who you were and not who they wanted to be. You wanted a cheating bastard over someone who could’ve made you truly happy. To each its own. I thank you for what you did for me. One day I will forgive your treacherous heart. As of today, I forget you.

Sincerely,

C.D.P.

There, in the same place I had regained my humanity, I remembered her. And then she was gone.

Withered

Everyone believes or believed I am/was wasting my time. I am not a man who wastes time, I am fairly good at many things and I just don't waste time in any endeavor I pursue. Never have, never will. So yeah, I was used and I knew this would happen so it didn't take much for me to accept it. It was all a matter of time before the sand settled on the ground and the real colors came into display.

This has happened to me before. I had fallen in love with this beautiful, exuberant flower. True, she was given to me in a horrible, tattered condition. But I was naïve, still am. I thought I could save it. She was so beautiful to me. I dedicated day and night to her. I talked to her, I watered her everyday, I tended to her. I became too involved. She began to grow before my eyes, improve her condition and at least have more willpower to fight.

One day, without notice, fuss or fanfare, she passed away. Her little leaves crumbled, her petals withered so that she was nothing more than a memory to me. I spent days looking at her, thinking a million ways of how I went wrong about her care. What I could've done to save her. How, if I would've tried harder, spent more nights by her side, then maybe the outcome would've been different.

Now my garden life and my real life have mirrored each other in the cruelest of ways I guess this is my form of payment for letting go of myself so. For not holding back, for truly forgetting my place. There are plenty "I should've known better" running around in my head. For now, I will not pay attention. Believe me. There are plenty of empty nights ahead of me.

There is a person in a worse position than me right now. I wish the best for her. A genuine chance for happiness or at least the courage to find someone who is worth her time and love, and that would give her the ability for her heart to heal and move on. I am just sorry I couldn't be that person. The affections are still the same.

Pixie was acquired by another person. Though I was saddened, I think it's for the best. I wouldn't be able to care genuinely for her right now. Or anyone for that matter.

Life has too many webs and we are all tangled in them

If I were to say that "things" have been happening around me, that would really be the largest understatement of the year.

Where to begin to tell the multiple stories though?

Let's see. First, my pretty girlfriend managed to get something out of her system that has been kept within for a very long time. Let's call it an unfulfilled desire, or, unfinished business if you will. Logically, I was not very happy with the notion nor the idea that she was going to engage in a sexual activity with her unprincipled ex-boyfriend. She insisted that no feelings would be in the middle. Just the 'pure' act of sex.

Considering she is a Stocker, and these creatures are known for their rambunctious sexual desire, I had to fight to gain an understanding attitude that was light years beyond me. Nonetheless, I consented. As long as it was that ONE TIME. With no encores.

Within a matter of weeks, my very pretty albeit bad-tempered friend/student Veronique was awaiting me in my office, quite adamant to see me. She didn't look very pleased, which isn't of surprise to anyone who knows her. Though to be honest, I was not prepared for what she had to say to me. It wasn't a long conversation. She merely told me that she thought Caterina was playing with me and my feelings. That I was nothing more than a rebound to her, and that her real love was Eric Delton (Veronique's boyfriend at the time). When I told her that if she brought that to light, then Caterina was my own rebound from Philippa. She went to point out that the only difference... was that she wasn't falling as hard as I was.

I won't deny it. It was all very hard to swallow, coming from a fellow Briton that normally doesn't have qualms to say the brutal truth to your face. Veronique does not embellish.

She continued with her 'tirade', saying that it was apparent, along with the fact that the way Caterina treats me is one that leaves much to be desired. Insinuating that she mistreats me, that she uses me, that she merely takes advantage of the fact that she was my girlfriend because it brought her security.

I told her that was none of her business and that she shouldn't meddle into a relationship that wasn't hers. Not very nicely said might I add. She merely shrugged and insisted that she was only doing what a friend in her position would do. But that she guessed I wouldn't know the meaning of that word.

It wasn't a pretty conversation. It hit me hard, as it normally does when your own secret, deeply harbored doubts come alive in the shape of a little girl with a big mouth. Though I dismissed her.

Call me old-fashioned and foolish, but I have high hopes for Caterina. I have very high hopes for our relationship. I do not believe that it is merely all for show. I believe we have a genuine care for one another. Yes, it would be horrible if this came to bite me in the ass in the future.

Soon after that, we were all in a cabin in some god-forsaken mountain, having a showdown of Veronique and Eric's very ugly and very public break up. At times it seemed she was being attacked ruthlessly but then I realized she had walked right into her own mess. Of course, I have to be grateful to her. If she hadn't gotten in the middle of Eric and Caterina in the first place then I might've not have her right now.

Funny how life works in mysterious ways.

Boo-Hoo Crew

Thank you Boo-Hoo crew. You gave the perfect excuse. Thank you, really. Thank you :)

Offering me another form of relief

I had a meeting a little while ago though I'm still lingering in the board room for no particular reason. I'm pondering the notion of visiting Caterina tonight or perhaps tomorrow and have lunch with her.

The entire situation is rather peculiar that we never get to spend more than a day together. Considering we both live in two different countries, I suppose it's not that surprising. Even if I've seriously considered leaving London to be closer to her, it wouldn't be for long. I have serious responsabilities to fulfill in England as Earl Percy; responsabilities I cannot rid myself of. My parents are leaving me alone, without any kind of restraint for a single reason: they believe I'm involved in a period of mourning due to my previous relationship. And they are hoping that I'm also making myself busy looking at possible new candidates for the position as my girlfriend.

This isn't surprising to anyone who knows the nobility. It's not as forceful as it was, centuries past, but the pressure is quite overwhelming after my uncle Alan died without an heir. That is how my father got the title in the first place. It takes even more impetus now that I've reached 25 years of age and I dumped my girlfriend of two years. Scandalous even.

My grandfather Hugh, had he been alive would've probably had a seizure if he found out. He has been on my father's back ever since, insisting that I cannot be left to do as I please. And by that he means buying apartments for someone else in a foreign country. How is this possible you say? It's not strange that my grandfather makes dream-like appearances.

Though I am not even close to the pressure that is placed on the Dukedom of Sicily. They taught since the momeny they are born, to find a wife/husband and immediately breed an heir. Giovanni (he has a total of six names including his first name, which I find amusing) has been lucky enough to find Katzereine Cil, though I'm not sure I can say the same about her. I'm kidding. They do make a lovely pair.

Philippa sent me a text message last night, which unfolded into conversation, which then unfurled into a shouting match. One of the things she said to me was that I never loved her, I never truly demonstrated such love if there was for her. She then concluded that I was person that never loved so I wasn't to blame for being so cold, careless and unfeeling. Can I even be a good husband if the time came? Can I become someone monogamous entirely? I sometimes wonder if this all depends on love. It makes me uneasy to think that I never...

I will not let myself believe such a thing.

The Days After

I feel... lonely. And I have a strong desire to go to her, spend some time and just be around her though knowing her she might get the wrong idea. It's a popular concept that I'm using her exclusively for my benefit, without regards to her feelings.

But I suppose that's normal for anyone who has broken up. And has tried to make things right but made them worse. I lost my chance to amend things, so now I have to deal with the aftermath. It's a disheartening sensation, to loose credibility.

Although, I won't get drunk today. I feel too alive for that.

"It's alright to be discouraged..." My new mantra.

Break Up

It's been a while since I've had to battle photographers the way I did just so I could get out of the airport. Luckily it hadn't leaked that I left for Italy specifically to clear up some things with Caterina. I managed to get to my house scratch free but something unpleasant was waiting for me, Philippa. I walked right past her. She trailed me, the sound of her heels echoing all around the great entrance.

"Christian, please. Listen to me."

"I have nothing to say to you Philippa."

"Christian please, you're being unreasonable!"

I turned around to face her. She bumped into me due to the sudden movement I made, though I quickly put some distance.

"Unreasonable? Unreasonable?"

I walked towards the credenza and showed her three different newspapers with photos of Philippa with no one other than George. They were hugging, kissing on a restaurant with a very flashy and scandalous headline above them.

"It's on every bloody newspaper in the country!"

Philippa stared at the newspapers in horror then at me, her eyes seem pleading.

"Christian--"

"You did this on purpose. And had you done it in a discreet manner then perhaps things would be different. But you did it OUT ON THE OPEN--"

"Don't raise your voice to me."

"I raise my voice to whomever I bloody WANT!"

Philippa stared at me, flabbergasted.

"You are not the man I fell in love with."

"Well I am glad you realized that because that man that you used to love left the moment he saw this..." I raised the newspaper to her face. She looked around, uneasy it seemed.

"Let's talk somewhere else. This is far too public--"

"More public than the newspapers? Really?" I spat. She was truly getting on my nerves at this point. Though she got incensed after that commentary.

"You had a bloody affair with that woman and I stood by your side!"

I turned to face her.

"Did I parade it in your face? Did I do it anywhere a photographer could see us? Did I disrespect you in anyway? DID YOU EVEN KNOW HER?"

Philippa stared at me, her eyes wide. She didn't utter a single word.

"I thought so..."

"She ashamed me in front of your family! She humiliated me completely!" Philippa spat. "And by having an affair then you disrespected me!" She said finally.

"Then I suppose we are even. Instead all you lost was a boyfriend, I lost my girlfriend and a best friend. Simple as that."

"I never loved him! In all the times we encountered I never--"

"Wait a minute..." I stopped her, my eyes narrowing. "Encountered? T-This happened more than ONCE?"

Philippa stuttered "N-No."

I groaned but then contained myself, the innate frigidness taking over.

"Then by all means, you have no right to accuse me of anything, considering YOU were doing the same yourself."

"Oh it's very different, I didn't fall in love with George!"

"And I love Caterina?!"

"It's so BLOODY obvious!" she screamed.

I didn't speak.

"Everyone can see it, except yourself. The way you look at her-"

"Stop it. You will not use this as an excuse to justify your actions. The very same way that I cannot justify mine."

She sighed. "Then why can't you forgive me?"

Christian shook his head slowly. "He was my best friend Philippa. You could've done it with anyone else--"

"That wouldn't have hurt you" She admitted.

I looked at her. "Of course."

We were both quiet for what seemed like an eternity.

"I don't think we need to say anything else."

Statement

"I would like to announce that I and Miss Philippa Liddelton have formally separated. For those who follow these sorts of things, I would like to explain that our separation is not the result of any speculation reported by the tabloid media. This is a decision that is a result of much thoughtful consideration. Contrary to what has been said, I have not let Miss Caterina Maria Stocker with child, nor was she the cause of our separation. I ask that you please respect the privacy of each in this difficult time."

Christian Dominic Percy, Earl Percy.

Should and Shouldn't

I took a plane to Miami, just as I shouldn't have. I went to see her, just as I shouldn't have. I told her my conclusion, reached after 24 hours of profound, mind-numbing, grueling reflection, as I should've. I'm staying with Philippa. It's the right thing to do. I am not going to continue with a relationship that is potentially noxious for us both, that will end up destroying us... that will end up destroying me. I have no intention of letting go of who I think I am. I'm too proud for that.

Though without a doubt, it was one of the strangest things I've ever lived. I felt I was alive in two alternate dimensions. The one where I was sure of what I was doing and KNEW I had to break it off. The other, where I just wanted to hold her and kiss her and listen to her complain about her trifling manners. The moment spoke and laid things out for her, I felt separated from my reality... which is puzzling to me. She reacted just as I had expected, throwing me out of the room after making me feel regretful for doing what I did. I found myself smiling after it. Call me arrogant, I feel I can win her back somehow even if she clearly stated that she doesn't do the "let's be friends" deal. Ironic, that's all I'll say.

I am beat though. I am scheduled to leave to London on the next flight out. 7:25 P.M. I hope I can actually make it to the airport and to the flight because I have not slept for almost two days. I normally sleep a lot, early and well. These fews days have been so bloody hectic, I haven't touched my bed. I find this abnormal and rather vexing. There are few people (if not NONE) that I would loose sleep for.

With a few hours to kill before I have to be in the airport and with Caterina not wanting to see me, I suppose there's only one option left for me to do. Aimless walking around boutiques. So much fun.