I Release You

There comes a time when you have spent so much time outside of yourself that you forget who you are. This isn’t my case. I know who I am. What I don’t know is who made me human. Experience has made me more of a guarded fool than a cynical bastard. This gives way to a scenario where the words leave my mouth faster than my brain can process. Speaking to the first woman I ever truly loved made me stumble upon a truth buried deep within me: I hadn’t let her go. I still wasn’t over her.

Disgust assaulted me in waves. I thought this was taken care of.

The clock struck 1 in the morning as another sleepless night loomed in the horizon. My bed couldn’t soothe my tension so I walked aimlessly around my room. Soft creaks from the wooden floor dispersed the thick silence. My mind was going through my memories fast. I had already disposed of all the belongings she had left behind. I had tried to get her back. I had grieved what could have been. It made no sense.

The wind made its impatience known as it rattled the windows of the manor. This was ridiculous. I had an early meeting in the morning. I couldn’t waste my night on this.

I sat down on my desk. Found a piece of paper and a pen then I proceeded to write.

Dearest,

You were my sun. I loved you for who you were and not who they wanted to be. You wanted a cheating bastard over someone who could’ve made you truly happy. To each its own. I thank you for what you did for me. One day I will forgive your treacherous heart. As of today, I forget you.

Sincerely,

C.D.P.

There, in the same place I had regained my humanity, I remembered her. And then she was gone.

Life has too many webs and we are all tangled in them

If I were to say that "things" have been happening around me, that would really be the largest understatement of the year.

Where to begin to tell the multiple stories though?

Let's see. First, my pretty girlfriend managed to get something out of her system that has been kept within for a very long time. Let's call it an unfulfilled desire, or, unfinished business if you will. Logically, I was not very happy with the notion nor the idea that she was going to engage in a sexual activity with her unprincipled ex-boyfriend. She insisted that no feelings would be in the middle. Just the 'pure' act of sex.

Considering she is a Stocker, and these creatures are known for their rambunctious sexual desire, I had to fight to gain an understanding attitude that was light years beyond me. Nonetheless, I consented. As long as it was that ONE TIME. With no encores.

Within a matter of weeks, my very pretty albeit bad-tempered friend/student Veronique was awaiting me in my office, quite adamant to see me. She didn't look very pleased, which isn't of surprise to anyone who knows her. Though to be honest, I was not prepared for what she had to say to me. It wasn't a long conversation. She merely told me that she thought Caterina was playing with me and my feelings. That I was nothing more than a rebound to her, and that her real love was Eric Delton (Veronique's boyfriend at the time). When I told her that if she brought that to light, then Caterina was my own rebound from Philippa. She went to point out that the only difference... was that she wasn't falling as hard as I was.

I won't deny it. It was all very hard to swallow, coming from a fellow Briton that normally doesn't have qualms to say the brutal truth to your face. Veronique does not embellish.

She continued with her 'tirade', saying that it was apparent, along with the fact that the way Caterina treats me is one that leaves much to be desired. Insinuating that she mistreats me, that she uses me, that she merely takes advantage of the fact that she was my girlfriend because it brought her security.

I told her that was none of her business and that she shouldn't meddle into a relationship that wasn't hers. Not very nicely said might I add. She merely shrugged and insisted that she was only doing what a friend in her position would do. But that she guessed I wouldn't know the meaning of that word.

It wasn't a pretty conversation. It hit me hard, as it normally does when your own secret, deeply harbored doubts come alive in the shape of a little girl with a big mouth. Though I dismissed her.

Call me old-fashioned and foolish, but I have high hopes for Caterina. I have very high hopes for our relationship. I do not believe that it is merely all for show. I believe we have a genuine care for one another. Yes, it would be horrible if this came to bite me in the ass in the future.

Soon after that, we were all in a cabin in some god-forsaken mountain, having a showdown of Veronique and Eric's very ugly and very public break up. At times it seemed she was being attacked ruthlessly but then I realized she had walked right into her own mess. Of course, I have to be grateful to her. If she hadn't gotten in the middle of Eric and Caterina in the first place then I might've not have her right now.

Funny how life works in mysterious ways.

Decisions

Caterina Maria and I are making arrangements to live together soon. Yes, it seems fast but to me, it seems reasonable. Having a long distance relationship is horrible. It makes you ache all the time and quite frankly, I don't think my pocket can take more private jets flying to Vienna on a day-to-day basis. Going on dates, spending the night in each other's arms, eating out, eating in, watching a movie... these are all things that I can't have if she lives far from me. So it's not completely unreasonable to want to be near her. She is my girlfriend.

It still feels rather funny to say that. I've never had such a fun, upbeat and completely unpredictable girlfriend. Though I'm a bit apprehensive. I don't want to be under the honeymoon effect for too long because it is unrealistic to find so many wonderful things in one person. But she is very giving, she knows how to cook, she smiles all the time, she has entertaining mood swings, she can dance, she makes me feel incredibly light when I'm with her... and makes me act incredibly unlike me. I am not the type of person who boasts and brags about their girlfriend though I can hardly contain myself. She makes me feel very light.

... :)

Tomorrow life begins to take over us. I go back to my work and the bemusing social functions that do not feel right if my Caterina isn't with me.

Perhaps I do need to calm a bit down as Henry says. Then again, Henry sleeps around like a dog and doesn't care about how feel, he just hates that I complain to him. Such good friends I have. I will now call Caterina.

Girlfriend

Caterina Maria is my fresh, discreet and enchanting new girlfriend. It happened last night, quite unexpected by own decisive action. Though I must say, I'm quite pleased with my choice considering it's been a few months since I broke up with Philippa. I shouldn't feel bad; Philippa looks quite happy with George either way. Caterina is a lovely person and I've grown quite fond of her throughout this whirlwind. I'm currently in Vienna and I'll see her in a matter of minutes, which brings me a wonderful sense of peace... much needed in my life.