Cat and Kitty Cats

Being without any company has led me to think of many things. Particularly of the difficulty of being in the company of the person I wish to be with. Was that confusing to read? That was confusing for me to type. Either way, in the midst of these thoughts, I decided to go to this cat breeder nearby our house. Please stop laughing. I know I was tilting towards a dog and I know that Cat and Caterina have the first three words in common, but I am not as pathetic as you think. Anyways, I looked at the kitten litter and fell in love with one of them. It's a female Norwegian Forest Cat and she is gorgeous. They call her Pixie, affectionately. She's spunky and fun, like my girlfriend :) That's the picture I took of her. And I know it might sound stupid, or perhaps not considering I speak to my plants, but I felt a connection with her.

I was planning on flying Caterina over to London next week so she could meet her and tell me what she thought. However that might not happen. Caterina Maria isn't exactly into it, considering she still has a very strong dislike towards London and it's people.

Ironic, isn't it?

Even if I truly believe she can overcome it and actually enjoy London in all it's glory. We'll have to see. I still need to dedicate more time to her, especially after Thierry and I had that talk about Stockers and their needs. Needy little sweethearts aren't they?

Caterina Maria is asleep next to me as I write this and I better get back to her, considering she's stirring and she gets stuffy whenever she sees me using the computer.

Mind Boggling

That is the only way I can describe myself at this point. That is the only way I can describe the need and desire I have for her. That is the only way I can conclude that maybe I haven't chosen the best alternative. If only I hadn't seen her today after all these months of preparation and failed attempts to forget her, maybe I would've been able to keep my dignity, my respect for myself.

Maybe... such a subjective word.

I couldn't resist.

I kissed her, in one of the numerous barely lit living rooms of the Milazzo Estate. I tasted her, I felt her, I desire her, I miss her... still. So many unrewarding nights of trying to get her out of my head, trying not to think about her, all the time, everytime. Making an effort to simply NOT think about her whenever I engaged in sexual endeavors with Philippa... her voice, her whimpers, her kitten-like smile, and all I did was throw it out the window. But I can't get that God forsaken woman out of my bloody head.

How could I just stand there, motionless as that weasel Henry flirted with her? How could I just dismiss her as she did me, with a mere glance?

I don't want to miss her. I don't want to think that I made the wrong choice, I don't. I don't want to believe that I am a mess because of her. I don't want to believe that this woman is making me a jealous man. A man that has no power or possession over this woman, whatsoever. What is my PROBLEM then?!

I am not programmed to feel regret. I never have... yet ever since we've stopped talking, it's all I've been feeling. Regret. Remorse. Day in and day out. Questioning myself.

No.

This can't happen again. Even so, as I write this, I know this is a vicious cycle I won't be able to break. Because I don't want to break it. Because what I saw in her eyes... just spurs me on.

...what am I doing?