Offering me another form of relief

I had a meeting a little while ago though I'm still lingering in the board room for no particular reason. I'm pondering the notion of visiting Caterina tonight or perhaps tomorrow and have lunch with her.

The entire situation is rather peculiar that we never get to spend more than a day together. Considering we both live in two different countries, I suppose it's not that surprising. Even if I've seriously considered leaving London to be closer to her, it wouldn't be for long. I have serious responsabilities to fulfill in England as Earl Percy; responsabilities I cannot rid myself of. My parents are leaving me alone, without any kind of restraint for a single reason: they believe I'm involved in a period of mourning due to my previous relationship. And they are hoping that I'm also making myself busy looking at possible new candidates for the position as my girlfriend.

This isn't surprising to anyone who knows the nobility. It's not as forceful as it was, centuries past, but the pressure is quite overwhelming after my uncle Alan died without an heir. That is how my father got the title in the first place. It takes even more impetus now that I've reached 25 years of age and I dumped my girlfriend of two years. Scandalous even.

My grandfather Hugh, had he been alive would've probably had a seizure if he found out. He has been on my father's back ever since, insisting that I cannot be left to do as I please. And by that he means buying apartments for someone else in a foreign country. How is this possible you say? It's not strange that my grandfather makes dream-like appearances.

Though I am not even close to the pressure that is placed on the Dukedom of Sicily. They taught since the momeny they are born, to find a wife/husband and immediately breed an heir. Giovanni (he has a total of six names including his first name, which I find amusing) has been lucky enough to find Katzereine Cil, though I'm not sure I can say the same about her. I'm kidding. They do make a lovely pair.

Philippa sent me a text message last night, which unfolded into conversation, which then unfurled into a shouting match. One of the things she said to me was that I never loved her, I never truly demonstrated such love if there was for her. She then concluded that I was person that never loved so I wasn't to blame for being so cold, careless and unfeeling. Can I even be a good husband if the time came? Can I become someone monogamous entirely? I sometimes wonder if this all depends on love. It makes me uneasy to think that I never...

I will not let myself believe such a thing.

The Days After

I feel... lonely. And I have a strong desire to go to her, spend some time and just be around her though knowing her she might get the wrong idea. It's a popular concept that I'm using her exclusively for my benefit, without regards to her feelings.

But I suppose that's normal for anyone who has broken up. And has tried to make things right but made them worse. I lost my chance to amend things, so now I have to deal with the aftermath. It's a disheartening sensation, to loose credibility.

Although, I won't get drunk today. I feel too alive for that.

"It's alright to be discouraged..." My new mantra.

Weighing

Seems as if my migranes finally have a semi-reasonable explanation. I am in need of glasses. Yes. It is quite shocking though I'm pretty sure I can pull off the look without any problem. I'll look quite dashing either way.

Trying to avoid thinking about what I am supposed to be thinking isn't working for me. I am loosing my senses, I want to distract myself with noise or do things I've been postponing. For example, arranging my books in alphabetical order, colour-coordinate my closet, tend to my poison garden, along with a few other miscellanous activities.

As that song says, sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. The hardest thing for me right now is being able to think properly. I don't want to think. I am afraid of the conclusions I might reach; conclusions that might shake the very foundation of my being. And caused by something so stupid. A petty fight that basically opened a can of worms.

Now, I am not one with a flair for the dramatic, I actually criticize the behaviour. I don't bother with the theatrical, over-the-top expression of 'feelings'. I do not like overthinking or exaggerating the problem. What I am going through is not a problem. It's... an epiphany of sorts.

I do not know what kind of moral values I have at this point, which is baffling to me. I thought I was this certain way. I thought I wouldn't engage in any sort of involvement whilst I was in a serious relationship... Allow me to rephrase that in a more realistic sense, I wouldn't engage in any liaison that would last more than a few weeks. While it is true that my relationship with Philippa is nothing as it once was, and that by no means is an excuse, I still feel great care and esteem towards her.

Because, let's be honest. We are involved in some way. Even if it doesn't have a name. We are involved. To be honest, I didn't think it would last. She just got out of a very traumatizing relationship, she despised anything that was remotely British, and she had a foul temper. However she was very attractive, fun to tease and... experienced in the bedroom.

I am not someone who likes to divulge sensitive information in a careless manner, so don't be surprised. I do have some dignity left. I do not feel comfortable talking about this. I feel I still need to think, reflect and mull over. My options, my choices, my course of action. Though I am 99.9% sure of what I have to do and what I will do in the end. It's that 00.1% of doubt that concerns me.

I am not a man of whim.