Life has too many webs and we are all tangled in them

If I were to say that "things" have been happening around me, that would really be the largest understatement of the year.

Where to begin to tell the multiple stories though?

Let's see. First, my pretty girlfriend managed to get something out of her system that has been kept within for a very long time. Let's call it an unfulfilled desire, or, unfinished business if you will. Logically, I was not very happy with the notion nor the idea that she was going to engage in a sexual activity with her unprincipled ex-boyfriend. She insisted that no feelings would be in the middle. Just the 'pure' act of sex.

Considering she is a Stocker, and these creatures are known for their rambunctious sexual desire, I had to fight to gain an understanding attitude that was light years beyond me. Nonetheless, I consented. As long as it was that ONE TIME. With no encores.

Within a matter of weeks, my very pretty albeit bad-tempered friend/student Veronique was awaiting me in my office, quite adamant to see me. She didn't look very pleased, which isn't of surprise to anyone who knows her. Though to be honest, I was not prepared for what she had to say to me. It wasn't a long conversation. She merely told me that she thought Caterina was playing with me and my feelings. That I was nothing more than a rebound to her, and that her real love was Eric Delton (Veronique's boyfriend at the time). When I told her that if she brought that to light, then Caterina was my own rebound from Philippa. She went to point out that the only difference... was that she wasn't falling as hard as I was.

I won't deny it. It was all very hard to swallow, coming from a fellow Briton that normally doesn't have qualms to say the brutal truth to your face. Veronique does not embellish.

She continued with her 'tirade', saying that it was apparent, along with the fact that the way Caterina treats me is one that leaves much to be desired. Insinuating that she mistreats me, that she uses me, that she merely takes advantage of the fact that she was my girlfriend because it brought her security.

I told her that was none of her business and that she shouldn't meddle into a relationship that wasn't hers. Not very nicely said might I add. She merely shrugged and insisted that she was only doing what a friend in her position would do. But that she guessed I wouldn't know the meaning of that word.

It wasn't a pretty conversation. It hit me hard, as it normally does when your own secret, deeply harbored doubts come alive in the shape of a little girl with a big mouth. Though I dismissed her.

Call me old-fashioned and foolish, but I have high hopes for Caterina. I have very high hopes for our relationship. I do not believe that it is merely all for show. I believe we have a genuine care for one another. Yes, it would be horrible if this came to bite me in the ass in the future.

Soon after that, we were all in a cabin in some god-forsaken mountain, having a showdown of Veronique and Eric's very ugly and very public break up. At times it seemed she was being attacked ruthlessly but then I realized she had walked right into her own mess. Of course, I have to be grateful to her. If she hadn't gotten in the middle of Eric and Caterina in the first place then I might've not have her right now.

Funny how life works in mysterious ways.

Weighing

Seems as if my migranes finally have a semi-reasonable explanation. I am in need of glasses. Yes. It is quite shocking though I'm pretty sure I can pull off the look without any problem. I'll look quite dashing either way.

Trying to avoid thinking about what I am supposed to be thinking isn't working for me. I am loosing my senses, I want to distract myself with noise or do things I've been postponing. For example, arranging my books in alphabetical order, colour-coordinate my closet, tend to my poison garden, along with a few other miscellanous activities.

As that song says, sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. The hardest thing for me right now is being able to think properly. I don't want to think. I am afraid of the conclusions I might reach; conclusions that might shake the very foundation of my being. And caused by something so stupid. A petty fight that basically opened a can of worms.

Now, I am not one with a flair for the dramatic, I actually criticize the behaviour. I don't bother with the theatrical, over-the-top expression of 'feelings'. I do not like overthinking or exaggerating the problem. What I am going through is not a problem. It's... an epiphany of sorts.

I do not know what kind of moral values I have at this point, which is baffling to me. I thought I was this certain way. I thought I wouldn't engage in any sort of involvement whilst I was in a serious relationship... Allow me to rephrase that in a more realistic sense, I wouldn't engage in any liaison that would last more than a few weeks. While it is true that my relationship with Philippa is nothing as it once was, and that by no means is an excuse, I still feel great care and esteem towards her.

Because, let's be honest. We are involved in some way. Even if it doesn't have a name. We are involved. To be honest, I didn't think it would last. She just got out of a very traumatizing relationship, she despised anything that was remotely British, and she had a foul temper. However she was very attractive, fun to tease and... experienced in the bedroom.

I am not someone who likes to divulge sensitive information in a careless manner, so don't be surprised. I do have some dignity left. I do not feel comfortable talking about this. I feel I still need to think, reflect and mull over. My options, my choices, my course of action. Though I am 99.9% sure of what I have to do and what I will do in the end. It's that 00.1% of doubt that concerns me.

I am not a man of whim.

Evolving into migranes

I am experiencing of one of the largest, most vicious headaches in human history. It's not even funny the amount of pain and discomfort that I'm feeling. Must be a migrane.

It doesn't help in the least when I receive a call from her; weeping, feeling all morose and lonely. It kills me. I wish I could be there with her, well aware that she's crying for idiotic reasons (knowing her) but I can't be there to comfort her or even call her off for being such a melodramatic queen. I am here. I am stuck in London. And for one bloody minute I wish I could stop thinking (and cursing as well).

You can't stop me. I'm going for it. Me and Mr. Bourbon, reunited once more.

What a truly pathetic existence.

Bittersweet Argument

I must be thankful for my reflexes and I am. I really I am.

I held Philippa's hand in mid-air as she was getting ready to slap me in the face. I am one of those blokes that is awfully respectful of one's face, it's sacred which means completely off-limits. I gave her a leveling stare, my displeasure quite evident which was all it took for her to recover her wits.

"What is this about a rendez-vous you had in Vienna?" She was rather acid but calmer than what she would've been had she struck me.

"A small birthday get-together in case we're putting labels on things."

"Oh don't be smart with me Christian, I am in no mood!"

"Well, I suggest you relax yourself for I am not about to deal with a hysteric."

"Why wasn't I invited?"

"I wasn't in charge of the guest list," which is the truth mind you.

She took that into consideration it seemed as she continued with her tirade.

"Then why didn't your little friend" insert sufficient venom here "invite me?! She knows I exist, I assume"

"Yes, she knows and why she chose not to tell you is beyond me at this point. And lower your voice, I have a horrid headache."

She threw her purse in my bed, along with her coat then crossed her arms and stared at me. I remained quite comfortable in my chair, rubbing my temple absentmindedly.

"Christian... we've been together for over two--"

"I'm well aware of our time together"

"--good. My point is, why on earth didn't you bother to call me and inform me that this was taking place? And since when is this woman so important in your life--"

"Please Philippa. You're overreacting. She's just a friend."

She looked dumbfounded. "Overreacting? Christian Dominic, this woman threw you a party, didn't invite ME yet invited your close friends that she barely even knows. It's on purpose!"

I remained silent, looking at her.

"And God knows how many times I called you! And you didn't even answer your bloody mobile! You know how embarrassing it is for me to call your parents--"

"You called my parents?" I was surprised, a bit vexed by the notion also.

"T-To see if they knew where to locate you! But I was transferred to their secretary which then transferred me to yours! It's ridiculous the amount of secretaries you people have!"

...

"Why were you avoiding me Christian?" She managed to ask after a while. "I'm inclined to believe this girl is not only a FRIEND you know."

"I was in a business trip Philippa."

"That is not an answer to my question. I don't want you to see her again."

I quirked my eyebrow. "You're jesting, yes?"

"No! I do not want you talking to this senseless cow--"

"She is hardly a cow."

She gasped in outrage.

"So she's attractive too?!"

I did not see that coming and I should've. I was careless.

"I'm not going to stop seeing her Philippa. She is my friend. She just got out of a serious relationship and she's not interested in me in that way. You're just paranoid."

For some reason, after I said that, I felt I was lying not only to her but to myself.

"If you have any respect for this relationship, you will not attempt to see her again. For if you do--"

I laughed in spite of myself. "You are forbidding me to see my friend?"

"It will be a deliberate insult against my dignity and integrity. Not to say what it will do to your own sense of morality and ethics."

I was tempted to answer that I could care less for her dignity and her integrity but I found my silence to be more prudent. I could see she was holding in some tears, the mere act of standing before me and confronting me was taking a toll on her pride. Without anything else to say, she gathered her things and left. I sighed. I do not remember engaging in a longer, more painstaking conversation in all of my life with Philippa. I was rather weary of the direction it took. Yet my mind was elsewhere, with someone else. The core reason of why I was arguing lingered in my mind like an after-taste.

Bittersweet.

Long days and phone calls

I have been exposed to torture today on so many levels, it's not even fair. First, my Polo match (against Doctor's orders) didn't go as I planned, mostly because I didn't win. The pain in my wrist didn't allow me to swing the mallet freely. I think I must've broken it or at least made it worse. Doesn't hurt though, probably because it's numb.

Before that I was my father's escort to some assemblies that are in charge of our multiple charities. It's that time of the year where we review costs, funds and other idiosyncrasies. I myself have a mountain of paperwork I need to review/sign and trust me, I am surely not inclined to do so. I'm dying for a change of pace... alas, my 'physical' change of pace is far away from me at this moment.

I went shopping today. Strange, I know. I bought something for me and a gift but I don't feel like sharing what it is just yet. Heh.

Caterina Maria and I talked on the phone on this very night. It was remarkably relaxing listening to her on the other side of the phone. Yes, I know that by now, you must be tired. Well, for me, it was delicious. The relaxation I was desperately yearning for. I'm afraid to believe that I am inclined to have a bit of a dependency problem. Though it's ridiculous to entertain such a thought... I can't deny that I get a satisfaction par to none when she laughs only for me.