Statement

"I would like to announce that I and Miss Philippa Liddelton have formally separated. For those who follow these sorts of things, I would like to explain that our separation is not the result of any speculation reported by the tabloid media. This is a decision that is a result of much thoughtful consideration. Contrary to what has been said, I have not let Miss Caterina Maria Stocker with child, nor was she the cause of our separation. I ask that you please respect the privacy of each in this difficult time."

Christian Dominic Percy, Earl Percy.

Dot dot dot

. . .

That's all I have to say about the last events that have taken place in the past 24 hours. That is all I have to say about my unmanageable actions.

If this is really a mistake, then how come I keep repeating it? And how come I don't care that I'm making it over and over? Worse, I'm pursuing it. It's almost as if I want my relationship to fail.

We had sex. At the Milazzo's residence.

You would perhaps, think that maybe, I would've been satisfied. That maybe it was all I needed to simply let this go. No. She's made me completely and utterly... insatiable. And I hate her for that.

Mind Boggling

That is the only way I can describe myself at this point. That is the only way I can describe the need and desire I have for her. That is the only way I can conclude that maybe I haven't chosen the best alternative. If only I hadn't seen her today after all these months of preparation and failed attempts to forget her, maybe I would've been able to keep my dignity, my respect for myself.

Maybe... such a subjective word.

I couldn't resist.

I kissed her, in one of the numerous barely lit living rooms of the Milazzo Estate. I tasted her, I felt her, I desire her, I miss her... still. So many unrewarding nights of trying to get her out of my head, trying not to think about her, all the time, everytime. Making an effort to simply NOT think about her whenever I engaged in sexual endeavors with Philippa... her voice, her whimpers, her kitten-like smile, and all I did was throw it out the window. But I can't get that God forsaken woman out of my bloody head.

How could I just stand there, motionless as that weasel Henry flirted with her? How could I just dismiss her as she did me, with a mere glance?

I don't want to miss her. I don't want to think that I made the wrong choice, I don't. I don't want to believe that I am a mess because of her. I don't want to believe that this woman is making me a jealous man. A man that has no power or possession over this woman, whatsoever. What is my PROBLEM then?!

I am not programmed to feel regret. I never have... yet ever since we've stopped talking, it's all I've been feeling. Regret. Remorse. Day in and day out. Questioning myself.

No.

This can't happen again. Even so, as I write this, I know this is a vicious cycle I won't be able to break. Because I don't want to break it. Because what I saw in her eyes... just spurs me on.

...what am I doing?

Killing Time

I am already at the airport. I'm just curious over one thing. One small thing. Why the hell am I still thinking about her? Why the bloody hell am I entertaining thoughts of us, together, in bed? Why on earth am I feeling so damn hollow? Is this normal? I don't remember ever feeling this way before.

It makes no sense. I think the lack of sleep is making me delusional and irrational. Definitely. I mean, it made me imagine Caterina going into the airport and buying a ticket. If that is not self-deception- what is?

Should and Shouldn't

I took a plane to Miami, just as I shouldn't have. I went to see her, just as I shouldn't have. I told her my conclusion, reached after 24 hours of profound, mind-numbing, grueling reflection, as I should've. I'm staying with Philippa. It's the right thing to do. I am not going to continue with a relationship that is potentially noxious for us both, that will end up destroying us... that will end up destroying me. I have no intention of letting go of who I think I am. I'm too proud for that.

Though without a doubt, it was one of the strangest things I've ever lived. I felt I was alive in two alternate dimensions. The one where I was sure of what I was doing and KNEW I had to break it off. The other, where I just wanted to hold her and kiss her and listen to her complain about her trifling manners. The moment spoke and laid things out for her, I felt separated from my reality... which is puzzling to me. She reacted just as I had expected, throwing me out of the room after making me feel regretful for doing what I did. I found myself smiling after it. Call me arrogant, I feel I can win her back somehow even if she clearly stated that she doesn't do the "let's be friends" deal. Ironic, that's all I'll say.

I am beat though. I am scheduled to leave to London on the next flight out. 7:25 P.M. I hope I can actually make it to the airport and to the flight because I have not slept for almost two days. I normally sleep a lot, early and well. These fews days have been so bloody hectic, I haven't touched my bed. I find this abnormal and rather vexing. There are few people (if not NONE) that I would loose sleep for.

With a few hours to kill before I have to be in the airport and with Caterina not wanting to see me, I suppose there's only one option left for me to do. Aimless walking around boutiques. So much fun.